Relationship

Osho on Relationship and problems of Love

Question: In my relationship I often lose my self and start feeling Closed in. What can I do?

Osho : This is one of the fundamental problems of love. Every lover has to learn it, nobody knows it by birth. It only comes slowly slowly and through much pain, but the sooner it comes, the better -- that each person needs his or her own space, that we should not interfere in that space. To interfere is very natural for lovers, because they start taking the other for granted. They start thinking that they are no more separate. They don't think of 'I' and 'thou'; they start thinking of 'we'. You are that too, but only once in a while.

'We' is a rare phenomenon. Once, for a few moments, lovers come to that point where the word is meaningful, where you can say 'we', when 'I' and 'thou' disappear into each other, where boundaries overlap. But these are rare moments; they should not be taken for granted. You cannot remain 'we' twenty-four hours a day, but that's what every lover demands -- and that creates unnecessary misery. When you come close once in a while you become one, but those are rare moments, precious, to be cherished, and you cannot make them a twenty-four-hour thing.

If you try, you will destroy them; then the whole beauty will be lost. When that moment is gone, it is gone; you are again 'I' and 'thou'. You have your space, she has her space. And one has to be respectful now, that the other's space should not be in any way interfered with; it should not be trespassed. If you trespass it, you hurt the other; you start destroying the other's individuality. And because the other loves you, she or he will go on tolerating it.

But toleration is one thing; it is not something very beautiful. If the other is only tolerating it, then sooner or later the other will take revenge. The other cannot forgive you and it goes on accumulating -- one day, another day, another day.... You have interfered with a thousand and one things, then they all pile up, and then one day they explode. That's why lovers go on fighting. That fight is because of this constant interference. And when you interfere in her being, she tries to interfere in your being, and nobody feels good about it.

For example, she is feeling happy and you will feel left alone because you are not feeling happy. You will feel as if you have been cheated. 'Why is she feeling happy?' You should both feel happy -- that is your idea. That happens once in a while. But sometimes it happens that she is happy, you are not happy or you are happy and she is not happy. We have to understand it, that the other has every right to be happy without one... even though it hurts. You would like to participate but you are not in the mood. 

If you insist, all that you can do is: you can destroy her happiness... and you are both losers in that way, because if you destroy her happiness, when you are happy alone she will destroy your happiness. Slowly slowly, rather than becoming friends, we turn into enemies. The basic requirement is: the other has to be given absolute freedom to be herself. If she is happy, feel good -- she is happy; if you can be happy and participate in her happiness, good.

If you cannot, leave her alone. If she is sad, if you can participate in her sadness, good. If you cannot participate and you want to sing a song and you are feeling happy, leave her alone. Don't drag her according to you; leave her to herself. Then slowly slowly a great respect arises for each other. That respect becomes the foundation of the temple of love.